Friday, May 7, 2010

Eating, Drinking, Over-thinking

Ok, so yesterday I was at the library and I stumbled across a really interesting book. It's called Eating, Drinking, Over-thinking by Dr. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. Basically the core premise of the book relates to the fact that, as women, we have a tendancy to internalize our stress i.e. because of conditioning etc. we cannot adequately express our frustrations or problems and, as a result, we find ourselves in what the author terms as the the 'toxic triangle' (food, drink and depression).

It goes into great detail about the fact that we are acutely aware of our feelings and the reaction of our bodies to problems i.e. tension, agitation, lethargy and a sense of being out of control. Consequently, when we are under stress, we are likely to do something to change how our bodies feel which can cause us to binge-eat in an attempt to escape our feelings/refuse to eat and relish the feelings of power and control that comes from self-denial (but which ultimately leads to binging anyway). We may also drink or take sedatives to anesthethize the feelings, or we may just spend our time thinking and re-thinking about things that have happened/things we may have said or done etc.
I guess, in a nutshell, it's telling us that if we don't find another way of dealing with our problems or expressing ourselves, the natural outcome will be one, two or three of the following: yo-yo eating habits, excessive drinking and/or depression. It does also give us alternative ways of dealing with these problems but what I really found good was the fact that the book refers to real-life examples which I am sure we can all relate to and these make you feel just that little more 'normal' rather than abnormal. Whether or not you will actually derive any benefit from it is another thing (and entirely up to you) but sometimes it is just nice to feel understood! I'm also pretty damn sure that the majority of women actually suffer from exactly the same feelings as we do -they're just not prepared to admit it.

I don't know that I'll ever not want to be thin but I do know that when I'm at my happiest, food becomes less of an obsession and I do have a natural tendancy to be thin so I'm not going to give up on that dream of finding that sense of contentment again which will result in me reverting to my most natural state anyway! However, I do honestly believe that this principle applies to all of us i.e. if we were genuinely happy and content, we'd all be naturally thin because we really would only need to eat when hungry and finish when satisfied. Thus, restriction or over-eating really wouldn't be an issue!
Here's hoping we all get there eventually!

Love and best wishes to you all,
C xxx.

Friday, April 30, 2010

A little bit of Randomness!

Hello my lovely ladies (and gents of course)!

As part of the 'reformed (unfortunately with the help of a pill)' positive me, I have resolved to blog at least once a week. So here I am! And, oh God, have I had the mother of all weeks...up at 6:30am, straight to work, working straight through the day (no breaks), home at any time between 7:30 and 8:30pm, working out for an hour, then doing some more work for the next day, and finally bed! Totally exhausting, but great for the waistline of course! Woohoo! I'm finally able to see the positive in things again!!!

You can thank me least I spared you guys the from the horribly depressing crap that I had been spouting/internalising for the past couple of months. I know you all have your own issues to deal with so you seriously didn't need my self-pitying and deprecation added to that! That isn't to say that I don't completely understand how you feel though, I'm just my own worst critic so I don't really 'do' feeling sorry for myself.

I'm sorry I don't have any superficially interesting news to tell this week because, unfortunately, I haven't done anything other than work, work-out and sleep. I'm also completely brain-dead, after being forced to think for 12 hours straight today, so I'm not in a position to say anything deep and meaningful either. In time, I do want to reveal more about my situation and explain myself a little more but that's going to have to wait. I also have a number of hypotheses that I want to explore with you guys but I don't really have the capacity to string a logical argument together right now. Suffice to say, from my perspective, I'm doing well just to be writing something at the moment, it marks a significant improvement in my performance of late!

Before I go, however, I do want to extend my heart-felt gratitude to both What If Summer and K for your comments and support after my last blog.....admitting my weaknesses isn't something that comes easy to me, so you really have no idea just how much your understanding has meant. Anyway, I'm off to read your blogs now, but I really hope you guys are doing great -you deserve all the great things that the world has to offer....

Love C xxx.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Sometimes the truth really does hurt!

Ok, so I have a sincere apology to make -I am all too aware of my recent absence, which came not too shortly after an epiphany of sorts that, to all intents and purposes, made me seem like I had found, for the want of a better word, my mojo again.
I am, therefore, more than slightly embarrassed to explain my reasons for the absence, but I promised myself that the most important part of this whole thing was honesty, hence the reason for my extended failure to blog -I just wasn't ready to admit some things, even to myself.

Sooo... here comes the honesty bit. Only a couple of days after my highest point came my extreme lowest point. No sooner than I had thought I'd got the 'real' me back, I completely crashed and burned, and it seemed to be a meltdown of epidemic sorts. I know I haven't revealed very much about myself or my past and, in time I will, but as I may have mentioned before, the last 12 months have been very traumatic.

Anyway, I generally have quite a cavalier attitude towards myself in the sense that I've always felt that I was ok, that I could cope with anything. Unfortunately, I have recently had to admit to myself that this was not the case, I'm not invincible or infallible, and the consequence of this was a trip to my doctor.
I have had numerous consultations with my doctor over the past 12 months (with regard to my situation) but, never once, during this time had I told him how I felt. Anyway, after my meltdown, I made a decision that I'd known I'd needed to make for some time. I had previously avoided this like the plague because of the stigma and the stereotype which, I admit, I had held, with regard to anti-depressants (and herein I apologise, to anyone else who may be in that situation, for my complete and utter ignorance).
So, this is going to sound terrible, but I even had to have a drink before I went to my doctor because I knew if I didn't I wouldn't actually tell him the truth about how I felt. Thus, I duly had my drink and went, and for the first time in my life I was completely honest about my internal fragility. The net result of this was that he got me, he completely understood where I was at and didn't make me feel like a total nutjob for it. Consequently, I've matured a lot more about the whole concept of anti-depressants -I know it's a chemical inbalance, it's not necessarily within my control and it does not mean that I'm crazy!

Anyway, the moral of the story is that I couldn't write because I was afraid of seeming like a fraud, I told you all that I was fine and I seemed to be all positive (and I genuinely was clinging to the hope that I was), but I quite obviously wasn't. Luckily I have learned! So, the purpose of this blog is really to aplogise for being so disingenuous because I really hadn't meant to be. Anyway, I feel like I have rambled enough for the moment but, now that I've got over my mental block, I'll be back soon to fill you in on recent developments.

Hope you're all staying strong and doing great, C xxx.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Opportunity Knocks

So the good news is that I successfully completed my liquid fast yesterday and, while I haven't weighed myself yet, my body is becoming more defined again, thankfully!

Unfortunately I did eat more than I would have liked today because I'm really tired and was very physically active but I will be fasting again tomorrow -feel free to join me if you're interested...

There are so many things that I wanted to say but I am seriously exhausted and I'm afraid that I might just bore you all to death with my random, inconsequential, and probably disjointed, musings. So I shall spare you all that fate and just say hi! I hope that you are all doing well and feeling good about yourselves.

I must admit that I am rather daunted by the prospect and uncertainty of my future so I spent rather a large portion of my day thinking about it and was forced to keep reminding myself that my future will be what I choose to make of it. I have nothing to fear but fear itself etc. etc. etc. (so much easier said than done...which, of course, brings me full-circle on the issue of knowledge and it's uselessness on occasion). Nevertheless; I have decided to paraphrase Goethe's famous quote in its entirety below, in an effort to remind myself of the opportunity that lies ahead. I hope that you may perhaps benefit too.  

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”

Obviously, if thought was all that was required, we would all have achieved our respective goals and I would have attained my desired level of perfection! It appears that action eludes us. 
Best wishes to all Cx.

P.s. sfauthor: Thanks and, no, I am not familiar with the books. Are you the author?

Sunday, March 7, 2010

The Truth about Knowledge

'Wisdom comes by intuition and it far transcends knowledge.'

I love this aphorism, because it is so completely accurate. How often we can 'know' things but not actually be able to apply this knowledge? I can't help but think that knowledge is completely superficial because if I could live my life on the basis of what I 'know' surely my life would be just perfect?
I mean most of us probably 'know' what we can do to make ourselves feel better (i.e. lose weight, get our lives in order etc.) but why is it that this is often so difficult to do?? I say this because generally I am quite a rational and self-aware person but, as you may have gathered from my previous (and probably incoherent) ramblings, I have been in a very dark place over the last while and, while I definitely knew that there were things that I could do to help get me out of there, what I can't understand is why I didn't just do them...I knew I would feel infinitely better, so what took me so long?? Did part of me not actually want to get out of there? Did I not care enough anymore? Was I just too tired/lazy? Or does it just take time??

Unfortunately I don't have the answer so I can only hope to remember this the next time around.

Nevertheless, the good news for me at the moment is that I'm back, woohoo!!!!
By this, I mean that I somehow seem to have found the old me again (finally). I've been missing for so long that I'd almost forgotten who I was and it's just incredible to remember and start to feel like the person that I know I am again. It's like I've been living two parallel lives for the last couple of years i.e. wearing and acting out the facade of me that everyone expects to see, while, on the inside, feeling completely lost, insecure and incompetent. I know a lot of this was probably circumstantial (which I will perhaps explain over time) but the worst thing about my 'dual persona' is that it's extremely emotionally draining and often erupts in a break-down of semi-volcanic proportions at very inopportune moments. This becomes a vicious circle as the consequences of said 'erruption' take their toll and end up making me feel even worse about myself (because, of course, control over my behaviour is so incredibly important to me) and thus, the internal feelings degenerate and the cycle continues.

I'm not going to get too far ahead of myself here and assume that I'm fine (because I am so very far from that) but, for the moment at least, I have managed to merge my internal and external self so what you see is actually what you get right now.  
To explain a little more, this feels so good because, as I probably mentioned before, I am very motivated and generally quite a positive person but I went from being someone who could literally almost go forever to someone who could barely even move..I became a shell. Christ, I used to love running and would run at least 56km a week. And then I lost it all...I couldn't exercise..I found the idea of stepping outside the front door incredibly intimidating (perhaps because I didn't even have the energy to put the facade on). I became incredibly frustrated and I just couldn't seem to snap myself out of it. It was an endless nightmare! 
Despite it all, however, a part of me definitely does believe that happens for a reason so, ultimately, I guess everything that went before had to happen to get me to where I am now (if nothing else at least that idea makes everything just a little bit easier to accept).  

So..where am I now? Well, I'm feeling pretty damn positive, I feel more capable, more complete. 
I had taken last Monday off work, which did help me to get slightly back on track, but part of me knew that it wasn't enough, I knew that if tried to keep going 'as normal' that anything I'd gained would be just completely lost; so, initally, I had resolved to go in on Tuesday because I had a meeting that I really couldn't miss but was going to just ask for the rest of the week off. Unfortunately, that didn't quite work out because I was only in 5 minutes when my boss asked me to go to another meeting with him on Thursday (I could hardly say no). I also had a serious amount of work to do so the knowledge of that probably have ruined my few days off anyway. So, instead I decided to ask for Friday through to next Tuesday off...and it has worked out so well because it allowed me to get on top of my workload over the three intervening days and I haven't felt like I was letting anyone down but it was still bearable because I knew I had a break coming up! Admittedly, by Thursday I was completely shattered again (I hadn't left the office till late, as usual!), hence the rant, but by Friday I was starting to steadily improve.
I've just been taking it really easy on myself and, rather than pushing myself to do things, I've started to let them happen a bit more naturally and, the funny thing is that I have actually managed to do all the things that I wanted to do, minus the stress of constantly telling myself that I 'have' to do these things..I just sort of did it all in my own time and everything seemed less daunting. I'm not so completely overwhelmed anymore.
This has really helped with my eating issues too.... I'd decided that I was doing a liquid fast on Friday and, because I was just taking everything one step at a time, it kind of happened naturally too. So, I fasted all of Friday and Saturday. I eventually broke it last night because I knew that I had to eat something at some stage but I just ate a small amount and left it at that which would be characteristic of the 'normal' me but not the person I've been recently. Lately I think I'd been binging as a form of punishment, like I was saying a big 'fuck you' to the world -I can eat what I like and I don't give a crap! Like I wanted to just lose all control because control wasn't doing me any good anyway! I was just trying to be completely self-destructive.

Anyway, yesterday couldn't have been better. I got loads of things done, went for a 6 mile walk which I'd been completely incapable of doing recently, and then even managed to push myself to call over and see friends that I hadn't seen in ages (I was avoiding all my friends because I didn't think I had anything to offer them). Now I've agreed to do loads of things with friends over the next few weeks and, instead of feeling freaked out and starting to wonder how the hell I'm going to get everything done, I'm really looking forward to it all!
Finally, to top it all off, I logged on last night to find that I had 14 (now 15) followers and I am so incredibly touched. I really hadn't thought that anyone could have cared less about what I had to say! It's such an amazing feeling to see so many people following me all of a sudden, I can't thank you all enough! I had my first comment too (so exciting), thank you again Amanda.
So the plan is both Amanda/Little Dandelion Girl and I are on a liquid fast again today. For now, we're just focusing on today, we're not bothering to think about how much we're trying to lose at the moment and really just looking forward to the sense of achievement we're going to feel tomorrow. Think about it...whenever you do something positive for yourself, it's natural that you will feel better as a result, so you become more motivated to continue to do positive things for yourself and gradually you build on your achievements. Hence, through this gradual process of achievement, you begin realise your goals. 
Anyway, therein lies the plan...I'm sure we'll both let you all know how we feel WHEN we successfully complete today's fast!

Lots of Love Cx.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Beware...rant in progress!

I was planning an evening of introspection but, on my way in the door, my eyes alighted on a bottle of wine and, rather than a deeply spiritual evening of self-discovery, you are now going to be assailed by a rant, commencing as follows (and forgive me, but I am not going to excuse my french on this occasion):

What the fuck is everyone else's problem?? I mean some people stuff their faces to a disgusting extent but we don't pull them up and say, 'Oh my God, what are you eating?' So tell me, why do they do it to us? I mean, why is it necessary for people to comment incessantly on what I do or don't eat?? Or, even better, why would they actually bother having bitchy conversations about what I eat??? Seriously, what is their fucking problem?!!!! Have they nothing better to do than discuss my eating habits?! Is it because they wish they had more self-restraint? I just don't get it, what does it matter to them? And just to qualify this, I am thin but I certainly not anorexic looking -I'm not so completely deluded that I can't see myself for what I really look like so it's not a question of them being overly concerned for my health or anything!

Sorry, I think the rant has lost's out of my system for the moment. I'll try to come back later and redeem myself with something a little more positive.

Stay strong my lovelies, your posts are all that are keeping me sane right now. Cx.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


Excuse my french but it's just fucking typical. A couple of good days and already I'm starting to fade. How fragile we really are! How vulnerable our feelings and equilibrium. It's just all so fleeting...whenever I begin to think I'm ok I always manage to crash and burn. While my demise can manifest itself in a variety of different ways, the outcome is always the same: self-loathing, exhaustion, being left to wonder what it's all about, why I bother and whether I will ever be ok.

The answers always seem to elude me and my only hope is that perhaps someday I will find enlightenment. I even had to take myself off to a coffee-shop at lunch-time today to give myself a good talking to.
It went a little something like this....

'I do not owe anyone else anything. I do not need to prove myself or justify myself. I just need to keep things simple and stop complicating things. I mean it's not a wonder that I feel so overwhelmed when the standards I set for myself are so completely unrealistic and unachievable; and, of course, when I don't achieve said standards, I then proceed to compound things even more by indulging in the most ridiculous physchological self-flagellation that I render myself completely and utterly shattered!
I need to end the cycle, to assess my motivations before I do or say things, and I most definitely need to make sure that I do not put myself in situations where the outcome will be anything other than positive for me (at least until I'm stronger, safter, more resilient and better able to cope).I have to wipe the slate clean, take a deep breath and forgive myself and others for everything. I need to continually practice forgiveness until it's real, until I genuinely can forgive, forget and let go -just let it all go!
I think I semi-understand myself....I know that I'm completely insecure and inadequate. What I don't know is how to make myself secure and do I fix it? I know it's not about looks, intelligence or status but what is it about? How do I find self-acceptance?'
At this point I was interrupted by "Coffee-shop Guy." I'll fill you in about him again but, suffice to say, he's a guy that always takes a seat near me when I'm there and then proceeds to try and make conversation even though I strenuously try to avoid eye-contact and leave my ear-phones in....grrr....

Anyway, so many questions and so few answers. The only good that came out of today was that, despite my negativity, I managed to stick to my plan and repeat yesterday's food intake. I should feel happier but unfortunately I don't. Perhaps some sleep will help (if I can sleep).

Sorry for depressing you with my ramblings (yes I am a total weirdo, I know!). In an effort to make amends I will leave you with today's verse:

"Hope, like the gleaming taper's light,
Adorns and cheers our way;
And still, as darker grows the night,
Emits a brighter ray."

On that note, I shall bid you adieu! I am off to find some sanity!

Stay strong, Cx.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Winning the War on Fat!

Ha ha! I am winning the war on fat and it feels so damn good! Was back in work today and side-stepped lunch so well that I could have been mistaken for a professional illusionist!!!
So the outcome of it all was that I got away with having a tiny bit of fruit for breakfast, my carrot sticks with lo-cal dressing for lunch and an apple and some lo-cal hot chocolate for dinner -I feel thinner already. Haven't weighed myself yet though, it's my time of the month so my weight is probably skewed at the moment and don't want to depress myself. Just going to stick to my plan for the moment and weigh-in in about a week or so.

For those of you who haven't had such a good day, please, don't be disheartened and try to remember the following words of wisdom:

'And so in the strife of the battle of life,
It's easy to fight when you're winning;
It's easy to slave and starve and be brave;
When the dawn of success is beginning.

But the man who can meet despair and defeat
With a cheer, there's a man of God's choosing;
The man who can fight to Heaven's own height
Is the man who can fight when he's losing.'

In other words guys, please don't get disillusioned. I know how much it hurts when you feel like you're losing control over the one thing that really matters. Be strong....more inspirational little adages to come tomorrow.


Monday, March 1, 2010

The Sweet Taste of Success!

Right well the good news is that I've managed a little bit of pro-activity. After moping around reading everyone else's blogs for most of the day, I finally dragged my fat and melancholic ass into the shower and then made myself get dressed (to be honest I think I was even afraid of washing because I didn't want to look at myself).
Anyway that was a minor success but what was even better was that I then took myself off for a walk down to the local store and stocked up on fruit, veg, and lo-cal dressings. Just back and had some carrots and celery with my new dressings, (v. yum). I've prob only eaten 40 cals worth and I'm completely stuffed -how cool is that?!!! I can almost feel the pounds dropping off already -no more Fatty McFats waddling around!

I'd taken today off work but I'm back in tomorrow so I'm not going to be too naiive and think that it's going to be this easy every day but I've stopped caring what other people think anymore so here's hoping I'll be able to stick to my plan. I'm bringing my veggies to work with me anyway -if people want to sit in judgement of me, then that's their prerogative. C x

Embracing Fate

I feel so relieved that I actually managed to sleep last night but I still haven't lost my feelings of lethargy. I 've almost been catatonic over the last while and I don't really know why. Normally I'm such a motivated person, always on the go, planning my next move but lately everything has just seemed impossible and insurmountable to me. I'm now terrified I might be becoming an agoraphobe on top of everything else. Just my luck!

I think it might all have something to do with the fact that I really feel like I've been losing control over the last while. When I started this I was around 105/106 llbs and now I'm up to around 113ish. That is sooooooo not good for me but I'd decided that I'd let myself gain because of work. I have a seriously stressful and pressurised career which requires a lot of energy and commitment so I can't really afford to find myself feeling weak or lightheaded in the office. Plus it's really really hard to avoid food in work because people are always noticing and commenting if I don't eat (there are only so many excuses you can make).
Screw it though, if eating like that is going to make me feel that way again it's not worth it! What's the point in eating if it only makes you feel suicidal as a result? new resolve is to go back to restricting at a level I feel comfortable with and make sure that I take all my supplements religiously to ensure that I'm getting the right nutrition. 106 and beyond here I come again, woohoo!!! I reckon it shouldn't take me too long (maybe around 2 weeks or so) but will keep you posted on progress....

I feel slightly better already! Hope you guys are all doing ok too??! Cx

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Destined to be Disordered

Before I go any further with this I'd like to make it clear that anything I do or say here is not for the purpose of teaching or helping anyone to develop an eating disorder or any sort of an unhealthy relationship with food. If you have a 'normal' relationship with food, let me tell you that you are incredibly lucky -do not mess with it. Your mental health is extremely fragile -if you can accept and are comfortable within yourself -embrace your good fortune because there are others out there, like me, who are incapable of accepting ourselves for who we are, we don't feel good enough, we don't feel worthy enough, we need to improve ourselves, we need to be better. 

I have taken the decision to publish my thoughts and journey of self-discovery in an effort to perhaps gain a greater understanding of myself and people like me. It's unfortunate but I don't believe that any of us who suffer from such disorders can ever get rid of them, rather, the best I think we can hope for is to be able to manage and live with them in a way that minimilises the impact that they have on our lives. Ultimately this means that we will probably never eat 'normally' but this is the only way that we can feel ok, that we feel like we are in control of ourselves, that we are acceptable to ourselves and society in general. This does not necessarily mean we will become so thin so that we are unable to function but it does mean that we will probably be thinner than the average person.

I'm out of my mind.....please feel free to leave a message.

Have you ever found being alone with your own thoughts the most impossibly unbearable place you could be? And there's no escape! That's how I'm feeling this weekend. Part of me has really wondered whether I can keep going. The depths of despair my head manages to bring me to just make seem like it's all now worthwhile anymore.....I'm losing myself right now. I need to find ana again, she's the only thing that helps me feel in control. I need to be perfect. I must be perfect.

I haven't really eaten anything today but for some reason it's not making me feel any better. I don't know what I'm supposed to do!

I have good reason for my current level of self-loathing and feelings of worthlessness. I will post again later and explain all but for the moment, I'm going to read some of your' blogs in an effort to find some semblence of sanity again. C x