Wednesday, March 3, 2010


Excuse my french but it's just fucking typical. A couple of good days and already I'm starting to fade. How fragile we really are! How vulnerable our feelings and equilibrium. It's just all so fleeting...whenever I begin to think I'm ok I always manage to crash and burn. While my demise can manifest itself in a variety of different ways, the outcome is always the same: self-loathing, exhaustion, being left to wonder what it's all about, why I bother and whether I will ever be ok.

The answers always seem to elude me and my only hope is that perhaps someday I will find enlightenment. I even had to take myself off to a coffee-shop at lunch-time today to give myself a good talking to.
It went a little something like this....

'I do not owe anyone else anything. I do not need to prove myself or justify myself. I just need to keep things simple and stop complicating things. I mean it's not a wonder that I feel so overwhelmed when the standards I set for myself are so completely unrealistic and unachievable; and, of course, when I don't achieve said standards, I then proceed to compound things even more by indulging in the most ridiculous physchological self-flagellation that I render myself completely and utterly shattered!
I need to end the cycle, to assess my motivations before I do or say things, and I most definitely need to make sure that I do not put myself in situations where the outcome will be anything other than positive for me (at least until I'm stronger, safter, more resilient and better able to cope).I have to wipe the slate clean, take a deep breath and forgive myself and others for everything. I need to continually practice forgiveness until it's real, until I genuinely can forgive, forget and let go -just let it all go!
I think I semi-understand myself....I know that I'm completely insecure and inadequate. What I don't know is how to make myself secure and do I fix it? I know it's not about looks, intelligence or status but what is it about? How do I find self-acceptance?'
At this point I was interrupted by "Coffee-shop Guy." I'll fill you in about him again but, suffice to say, he's a guy that always takes a seat near me when I'm there and then proceeds to try and make conversation even though I strenuously try to avoid eye-contact and leave my ear-phones in....grrr....

Anyway, so many questions and so few answers. The only good that came out of today was that, despite my negativity, I managed to stick to my plan and repeat yesterday's food intake. I should feel happier but unfortunately I don't. Perhaps some sleep will help (if I can sleep).

Sorry for depressing you with my ramblings (yes I am a total weirdo, I know!). In an effort to make amends I will leave you with today's verse:

"Hope, like the gleaming taper's light,
Adorns and cheers our way;
And still, as darker grows the night,
Emits a brighter ray."

On that note, I shall bid you adieu! I am off to find some sanity!

Stay strong, Cx.

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