Friday, April 23, 2010

Sometimes the truth really does hurt!

Ok, so I have a sincere apology to make -I am all too aware of my recent absence, which came not too shortly after an epiphany of sorts that, to all intents and purposes, made me seem like I had found, for the want of a better word, my mojo again.
I am, therefore, more than slightly embarrassed to explain my reasons for the absence, but I promised myself that the most important part of this whole thing was honesty, hence the reason for my extended failure to blog -I just wasn't ready to admit some things, even to myself.

Sooo... here comes the honesty bit. Only a couple of days after my highest point came my extreme lowest point. No sooner than I had thought I'd got the 'real' me back, I completely crashed and burned, and it seemed to be a meltdown of epidemic sorts. I know I haven't revealed very much about myself or my past and, in time I will, but as I may have mentioned before, the last 12 months have been very traumatic.

Anyway, I generally have quite a cavalier attitude towards myself in the sense that I've always felt that I was ok, that I could cope with anything. Unfortunately, I have recently had to admit to myself that this was not the case, I'm not invincible or infallible, and the consequence of this was a trip to my doctor.
I have had numerous consultations with my doctor over the past 12 months (with regard to my situation) but, never once, during this time had I told him how I felt. Anyway, after my meltdown, I made a decision that I'd known I'd needed to make for some time. I had previously avoided this like the plague because of the stigma and the stereotype which, I admit, I had held, with regard to anti-depressants (and herein I apologise, to anyone else who may be in that situation, for my complete and utter ignorance).
So, this is going to sound terrible, but I even had to have a drink before I went to my doctor because I knew if I didn't I wouldn't actually tell him the truth about how I felt. Thus, I duly had my drink and went, and for the first time in my life I was completely honest about my internal fragility. The net result of this was that he got me, he completely understood where I was at and didn't make me feel like a total nutjob for it. Consequently, I've matured a lot more about the whole concept of anti-depressants -I know it's a chemical inbalance, it's not necessarily within my control and it does not mean that I'm crazy!

Anyway, the moral of the story is that I couldn't write because I was afraid of seeming like a fraud, I told you all that I was fine and I seemed to be all positive (and I genuinely was clinging to the hope that I was), but I quite obviously wasn't. Luckily I have learned! So, the purpose of this blog is really to aplogise for being so disingenuous because I really hadn't meant to be. Anyway, I feel like I have rambled enough for the moment but, now that I've got over my mental block, I'll be back soon to fill you in on recent developments.

Hope you're all staying strong and doing great, C xxx.


  1. Hey I'm glad you're back! I hope you will keep blogging on a semi-regular basis, since I do enjoy reading your posts.

    The whole stigma regarding anti-depressants annoys the shit out of me. I had a post a few weeks ago detailing why I had so many self esteem issues and was just down on myself constantly, highlighting the fact that being put on anti-depressants helped me think clearer and see myself in a more realistic light. One of my "friends" commented that she couldn't say anything to make me feel better, but it sucks that my dad is a drunk. All that said, she would NEVER go on anti-depressants.

    Later on I posted my retaliation to her, and the stigma as a whole, to which she responded "depression ISN'T a chemical imbalance, and i know what it's like to be depressed, but i just don't need pills to cope with life. the only reason you're pissed about what i said is because you're so insecure. everyone is on anti-depressants anyway, so who the fuck cares if you're on them."

    I'm paraphrasing, but no matter how you slice it that is essentially the face and lack of a brain of the anti-depressant stigma. In all its eloquent, argumentative and sensitive glory.

    Hell, the pills gave me the confidence to tell my friend to go fuck herself. They're great.


  2. Dear... we are all frauds! Luckily, blogland is a place we can be truly honest, because we are all in similar situations and aren't here to judge!
    Take care! Let me know if you need anything