Friday, April 30, 2010

A little bit of Randomness!

Hello my lovely ladies (and gents of course)!

As part of the 'reformed (unfortunately with the help of a pill)' positive me, I have resolved to blog at least once a week. So here I am! And, oh God, have I had the mother of all weeks...up at 6:30am, straight to work, working straight through the day (no breaks), home at any time between 7:30 and 8:30pm, working out for an hour, then doing some more work for the next day, and finally bed! Totally exhausting, but great for the waistline of course! Woohoo! I'm finally able to see the positive in things again!!!

You can thank me least I spared you guys the from the horribly depressing crap that I had been spouting/internalising for the past couple of months. I know you all have your own issues to deal with so you seriously didn't need my self-pitying and deprecation added to that! That isn't to say that I don't completely understand how you feel though, I'm just my own worst critic so I don't really 'do' feeling sorry for myself.

I'm sorry I don't have any superficially interesting news to tell this week because, unfortunately, I haven't done anything other than work, work-out and sleep. I'm also completely brain-dead, after being forced to think for 12 hours straight today, so I'm not in a position to say anything deep and meaningful either. In time, I do want to reveal more about my situation and explain myself a little more but that's going to have to wait. I also have a number of hypotheses that I want to explore with you guys but I don't really have the capacity to string a logical argument together right now. Suffice to say, from my perspective, I'm doing well just to be writing something at the moment, it marks a significant improvement in my performance of late!

Before I go, however, I do want to extend my heart-felt gratitude to both What If Summer and K for your comments and support after my last blog.....admitting my weaknesses isn't something that comes easy to me, so you really have no idea just how much your understanding has meant. Anyway, I'm off to read your blogs now, but I really hope you guys are doing great -you deserve all the great things that the world has to offer....

Love C xxx.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Sometimes the truth really does hurt!

Ok, so I have a sincere apology to make -I am all too aware of my recent absence, which came not too shortly after an epiphany of sorts that, to all intents and purposes, made me seem like I had found, for the want of a better word, my mojo again.
I am, therefore, more than slightly embarrassed to explain my reasons for the absence, but I promised myself that the most important part of this whole thing was honesty, hence the reason for my extended failure to blog -I just wasn't ready to admit some things, even to myself.

Sooo... here comes the honesty bit. Only a couple of days after my highest point came my extreme lowest point. No sooner than I had thought I'd got the 'real' me back, I completely crashed and burned, and it seemed to be a meltdown of epidemic sorts. I know I haven't revealed very much about myself or my past and, in time I will, but as I may have mentioned before, the last 12 months have been very traumatic.

Anyway, I generally have quite a cavalier attitude towards myself in the sense that I've always felt that I was ok, that I could cope with anything. Unfortunately, I have recently had to admit to myself that this was not the case, I'm not invincible or infallible, and the consequence of this was a trip to my doctor.
I have had numerous consultations with my doctor over the past 12 months (with regard to my situation) but, never once, during this time had I told him how I felt. Anyway, after my meltdown, I made a decision that I'd known I'd needed to make for some time. I had previously avoided this like the plague because of the stigma and the stereotype which, I admit, I had held, with regard to anti-depressants (and herein I apologise, to anyone else who may be in that situation, for my complete and utter ignorance).
So, this is going to sound terrible, but I even had to have a drink before I went to my doctor because I knew if I didn't I wouldn't actually tell him the truth about how I felt. Thus, I duly had my drink and went, and for the first time in my life I was completely honest about my internal fragility. The net result of this was that he got me, he completely understood where I was at and didn't make me feel like a total nutjob for it. Consequently, I've matured a lot more about the whole concept of anti-depressants -I know it's a chemical inbalance, it's not necessarily within my control and it does not mean that I'm crazy!

Anyway, the moral of the story is that I couldn't write because I was afraid of seeming like a fraud, I told you all that I was fine and I seemed to be all positive (and I genuinely was clinging to the hope that I was), but I quite obviously wasn't. Luckily I have learned! So, the purpose of this blog is really to aplogise for being so disingenuous because I really hadn't meant to be. Anyway, I feel like I have rambled enough for the moment but, now that I've got over my mental block, I'll be back soon to fill you in on recent developments.

Hope you're all staying strong and doing great, C xxx.