Sunday, February 28, 2010

Destined to be Disordered

Before I go any further with this I'd like to make it clear that anything I do or say here is not for the purpose of teaching or helping anyone to develop an eating disorder or any sort of an unhealthy relationship with food. If you have a 'normal' relationship with food, let me tell you that you are incredibly lucky -do not mess with it. Your mental health is extremely fragile -if you can accept and are comfortable within yourself -embrace your good fortune because there are others out there, like me, who are incapable of accepting ourselves for who we are, we don't feel good enough, we don't feel worthy enough, we need to improve ourselves, we need to be better. 

I have taken the decision to publish my thoughts and journey of self-discovery in an effort to perhaps gain a greater understanding of myself and people like me. It's unfortunate but I don't believe that any of us who suffer from such disorders can ever get rid of them, rather, the best I think we can hope for is to be able to manage and live with them in a way that minimilises the impact that they have on our lives. Ultimately this means that we will probably never eat 'normally' but this is the only way that we can feel ok, that we feel like we are in control of ourselves, that we are acceptable to ourselves and society in general. This does not necessarily mean we will become so thin so that we are unable to function but it does mean that we will probably be thinner than the average person.

I'm out of my mind.....please feel free to leave a message.

Have you ever found being alone with your own thoughts the most impossibly unbearable place you could be? And there's no escape! That's how I'm feeling this weekend. Part of me has really wondered whether I can keep going. The depths of despair my head manages to bring me to just make seem like it's all now worthwhile anymore.....I'm losing myself right now. I need to find ana again, she's the only thing that helps me feel in control. I need to be perfect. I must be perfect.

I haven't really eaten anything today but for some reason it's not making me feel any better. I don't know what I'm supposed to do!

I have good reason for my current level of self-loathing and feelings of worthlessness. I will post again later and explain all but for the moment, I'm going to read some of your' blogs in an effort to find some semblence of sanity again. C x