'Wisdom comes by intuition and it far transcends knowledge.'
I love this aphorism, because it is so completely accurate. How often we can 'know' things but not actually be able to apply this knowledge? I can't help but think that knowledge is completely superficial because if I could live my life on the basis of what I 'know' surely my life would be just perfect?
I mean most of us probably 'know' what we can do to make ourselves feel better (i.e. lose weight, get our lives in order etc.) but why is it that this is often so difficult to do?? I say this because generally I am quite a rational and self-aware person but, as you may have gathered from my previous (and probably incoherent) ramblings, I have been in a very dark place over the last while and, while I definitely knew that there were things that I could do to help get me out of there, what I can't understand is why I didn't just do them...I knew I would feel infinitely better, so what took me so long?? Did part of me not actually want to get out of there? Did I not care enough anymore? Was I just too tired/lazy? Or does it just take time??
Unfortunately I don't have the answer so I can only hope to remember this the next time around.
Nevertheless, the good news for me at the moment is that I'm back, woohoo!!!!
By this, I mean that I somehow seem to have found the old me again (finally). I've been missing for so long that I'd almost forgotten who I was and it's just incredible to remember and start to feel like the person that I know I am again. It's like I've been living two parallel lives for the last couple of years i.e. wearing and acting out the facade of me that everyone expects to see, while, on the inside, feeling completely lost, insecure and incompetent. I know a lot of this was probably circumstantial (which I will perhaps explain over time) but the worst thing about my 'dual persona' is that it's extremely emotionally draining and often erupts in a break-down of semi-volcanic proportions at very inopportune moments. This becomes a vicious circle as the consequences of said 'erruption' take their toll and end up making me feel even worse about myself (because, of course, control over my behaviour is so incredibly important to me) and thus, the internal feelings degenerate and the cycle continues.
I'm not going to get too far ahead of myself here and assume that I'm fine (because I am so very far from that) but, for the moment at least, I have managed to merge my internal and external self so what you see is actually what you get right now.
To explain a little more, this feels so good because, as I probably mentioned before, I am very motivated and generally quite a positive person but I went from being someone who could literally almost go forever to someone who could barely even move..I became a shell. Christ, I used to love running and would run at least 56km a week. And then I lost it all...I couldn't exercise..I found the idea of stepping outside the front door incredibly intimidating (perhaps because I didn't even have the energy to put the facade on). I became incredibly frustrated and I just couldn't seem to snap myself out of it. It was an endless nightmare!
Despite it all, however, a part of me definitely does believe that happens for a reason so, ultimately, I guess everything that went before had to happen to get me to where I am now (if nothing else at least that idea makes everything just a little bit easier to accept).
So..where am I now? Well, I'm feeling pretty damn positive, I feel more capable, more complete.
I had taken last Monday off work, which did help me to get slightly back on track, but part of me knew that it wasn't enough, I knew that if tried to keep going 'as normal' that anything I'd gained would be just completely lost; so, initally, I had resolved to go in on Tuesday because I had a meeting that I really couldn't miss but was going to just ask for the rest of the week off. Unfortunately, that didn't quite work out because I was only in 5 minutes when my boss asked me to go to another meeting with him on Thursday (I could hardly say no). I also had a serious amount of work to do so the knowledge of that probably have ruined my few days off anyway. So, instead I decided to ask for Friday through to next Tuesday off...and it has worked out so well because it allowed me to get on top of my workload over the three intervening days and I haven't felt like I was letting anyone down but it was still bearable because I knew I had a break coming up! Admittedly, by Thursday I was completely shattered again (I hadn't left the office till late, as usual!), hence the rant, but by Friday I was starting to steadily improve.
I've just been taking it really easy on myself and, rather than pushing myself to do things, I've started to let them happen a bit more naturally and, the funny thing is that I have actually managed to do all the things that I wanted to do, minus the stress of constantly telling myself that I 'have' to do these things..I just sort of did it all in my own time and everything seemed less daunting. I'm not so completely overwhelmed anymore.
This has really helped with my eating issues too.... I'd decided that I was doing a liquid fast on Friday and, because I was just taking everything one step at a time, it kind of happened naturally too. So, I fasted all of Friday and Saturday. I eventually broke it last night because I knew that I had to eat something at some stage but I just ate a small amount and left it at that which would be characteristic of the 'normal' me but not the person I've been recently. Lately I think I'd been binging as a form of punishment, like I was saying a big 'fuck you' to the world -I can eat what I like and I don't give a crap! Like I wanted to just lose all control because control wasn't doing me any good anyway! I was just trying to be completely self-destructive.
Anyway, yesterday couldn't have been better. I got loads of things done, went for a 6 mile walk which I'd been completely incapable of doing recently, and then even managed to push myself to call over and see friends that I hadn't seen in ages (I was avoiding all my friends because I didn't think I had anything to offer them). Now I've agreed to do loads of things with friends over the next few weeks and, instead of feeling freaked out and starting to wonder how the hell I'm going to get everything done, I'm really looking forward to it all!
Finally, to top it all off, I logged on last night to find that I had 14 (now 15) followers and I am so incredibly touched. I really hadn't thought that anyone could have cared less about what I had to say! It's such an amazing feeling to see so many people following me all of a sudden, I can't thank you all enough! I had my first comment too (so exciting), thank you again Amanda.
So the plan is both Amanda/Little Dandelion Girl and I are on a liquid fast again today. For now, we're just focusing on today, we're not bothering to think about how much we're trying to lose at the moment and really just looking forward to the sense of achievement we're going to feel tomorrow. Think about it...whenever you do something positive for yourself, it's natural that you will feel better as a result, so you become more motivated to continue to do positive things for yourself and gradually you build on your achievements. Hence, through this gradual process of achievement, you begin realise your goals.
Anyway, therein lies the plan...I'm sure we'll both let you all know how we feel WHEN we successfully complete today's fast!
Lots of Love Cx.