Destined to be Disordered

Before I go any further with this I'd like to make it clear that anything I do or say here is not for the purpose of teaching or helping anyone to develop an eating disorder or any sort of an unhealthy relationship with food. If you have a 'normal' relationship with food, let me tell you that you are incredibly lucky -do not mess with it. Your mental health is extremely fragile -if you can accept and are comfortable within yourself -embrace your good fortune because there are others out there, like me, who are incapable of accepting ourselves for who we are, we don't feel good enough, we don't feel worthy enough, we need to improve ourselves, we need to be better. 


I have taken the decision to publish my thoughts and journey of self-discovery in an effort to perhaps gain a greater understanding of myself and people like me. It's unfortunate but I don't believe that any of us who suffer from such disorders can ever get rid of them, rather, the best I think we can hope for is to be able to manage and live with them in a way that minimilises the impact that they have on our lives. Ultimately this means that we will probably never eat 'normally' but this is the only way that we can feel ok, that we feel like we are in control of ourselves, that we are acceptable to ourselves and society in general. This does not necessarily mean we will become so thin so that we are unable to function but it does mean that we will probably be thinner than the average person.

I'm out of my mind.....please feel free to leave a message.

Have you ever found being alone with your own thoughts the most impossibly unbearable place you could be? And there's no escape! That's how I'm feeling this weekend. Part of me has really wondered whether I can keep going. The depths of despair my head manages to bring me to just make seem like it's all now worthwhile anymore.....I'm losing myself right now. I need to find ana again, she's the only thing that helps me feel in control. I need to be perfect. I must be perfect.

I haven't really eaten anything today but for some reason it's not making me feel any better. I don't know what I'm supposed to do!


I have good reason for my current level of self-loathing and feelings of worthlessness. I will post again later and explain all but for the moment, I'm going to read some of your' blogs in an effort to find some semblence of sanity again. C x

Hitting Rock Bottom

Well after my most difficult year of all the Gods decided to smile on me and give me another fantastically wonderful turn of events! Sorry, I'm in a terribly sarcastic mood at the moment -the last few days just been a total nightmare but I guess I should just get on with it and appreciate what I do have.
There's no point in me even bothering to rant about all that went wrong, suffice to say that, as if my life isn't crappy enough, the fates have decided to just to compound it all by putting me into as tight a financial squeeze as possible! I don't know how I'm going to work it all out but I guess I'm just destined to be perpetually broke!
Anyway, as a result of everything that's been happening, my morale is pretty rock-bottom at the moment and now I'm terrified that I'll go and binge and make myself feel even worse again....I need to stop this!

Taking the Plunge

Right well here goes nothing. This is my inaugural post and, now that I've set up my blog, I'm not even too sure what I want to say anymore. I decided to do this out of a sense of sheer desperation and frustration this weekend. The past few years of my life have been extremely difficult and it all reached a crescendo in the past year.
The combination of my life experiences and background have led to an innate need to achieve perfection; which, given the natural imperfection of human nature, is quite obviously completely unattainable. Thus, I often find myself in a constant state of turmoil, beating myself about something I said, how I look, how I act, what I eat, what I do, what I don't do....you get the picture.

I guess it's all about control really. Because I haven't been able to control the circumstances of my life around me, I have turned to trying to control the things within me in an effort to make my life more tolerable. Often this seems to have the complete opposite effect though and then I just seem to end up feeling worse than before.

Anyway, I suppose it was inevtitable really but probably the main area of my life that I now try to control is my body. I've had an extremely unhealthy relationship with food for a long time now and I have to say that, at this stage, I'm completely exhausted by it. Now I'm beginning to wonder whether I should stop fighting it and accept it.....hence the reason for this blog.

Anyway, I could go on forever but I'll be back soon and explain all a bit further, C x