Winning the War on Fat!

Ha ha! I am winning the war on fat and it feels so damn good! Was back in work today and side-stepped lunch so well that I could have been mistaken for a professional illusionist!!!
So the outcome of it all was that I got away with having a tiny bit of fruit for breakfast, my carrot sticks with lo-cal dressing for lunch and an apple and some lo-cal hot chocolate for dinner -I feel thinner already. Haven't weighed myself yet though, it's my time of the month so my weight is probably skewed at the moment and don't want to depress myself. Just going to stick to my plan for the moment and weigh-in in about a week or so.

For those of you who haven't had such a good day, please, don't be disheartened and try to remember the following words of wisdom:

'And so in the strife of the battle of life,

It's easy to fight when you're winning;

It's easy to slave and starve and be brave;

When the dawn of success is beginning.

But the man who can meet despair and defeat

With a cheer, there's a man of God's choosing;

The man who can fight to Heaven's own height

Is the man who can fight when he's losing.'

In other words guys, please don't get disillusioned. I know how much it hurts when you feel like you're losing control over the one thing that really matters. Be strong....more inspirational little adages to come tomorrow.

Cx.

The Sweet Taste of Success!

Right well the good news is that I've managed a little bit of pro-activity. After moping around reading everyone else's blogs for most of the day, I finally dragged my fat and melancholic ass into the shower and then made myself get dressed (to be honest I think I was even afraid of washing because I didn't want to look at myself).
Anyway that was a minor success but what was even better was that I then took myself off for a walk down to the local store and stocked up on fruit, veg, and lo-cal dressings. Just back and had some carrots and celery with my new dressings, (v. yum). I've prob only eaten 40 cals worth and I'm completely stuffed -how cool is that?!!! I can almost feel the pounds dropping off already -no more Fatty McFats waddling around!


I'd taken today off work but I'm back in tomorrow so I'm not going to be too naiive and think that it's going to be this easy every day but I've stopped caring what other people think anymore so here's hoping I'll be able to stick to my plan. I'm bringing my veggies to work with me anyway -if people want to sit in judgement of me, then that's their prerogative. C x

Embracing Fate

I feel so relieved that I actually managed to sleep last night but I still haven't lost my feelings of lethargy. I 've almost been catatonic over the last while and I don't really know why. Normally I'm such a motivated person, always on the go, planning my next move but lately everything has just seemed impossible and insurmountable to me. I'm now terrified I might be becoming an agoraphobe on top of everything else. Just my luck!


I think it might all have something to do with the fact that I really feel like I've been losing control over the last while. When I started this I was around 105/106 llbs and now I'm up to around 113ish. That is sooooooo not good for me but I'd decided that I'd let myself gain because of work. I have a seriously stressful and pressurised career which requires a lot of energy and commitment so I can't really afford to find myself feeling weak or lightheaded in the office. Plus it's really really hard to avoid food in work because people are always noticing and commenting if I don't eat (there are only so many excuses you can make).
Screw it though, if eating like that is going to make me feel that way again it's not worth it! What's the point in eating if it only makes you feel suicidal as a result?


So.....my new resolve is to go back to restricting at a level I feel comfortable with and make sure that I take all my supplements religiously to ensure that I'm getting the right nutrition. 106 and beyond here I come again, woohoo!!! I reckon it shouldn't take me too long (maybe around 2 weeks or so) but will keep you posted on progress....


I feel slightly better already! Hope you guys are all doing ok too??! Cx

Destined to be Disordered

Before I go any further with this I'd like to make it clear that anything I do or say here is not for the purpose of teaching or helping anyone to develop an eating disorder or any sort of an unhealthy relationship with food. If you have a 'normal' relationship with food, let me tell you that you are incredibly lucky -do not mess with it. Your mental health is extremely fragile -if you can accept and are comfortable within yourself -embrace your good fortune because there are others out there, like me, who are incapable of accepting ourselves for who we are, we don't feel good enough, we don't feel worthy enough, we need to improve ourselves, we need to be better. 


I have taken the decision to publish my thoughts and journey of self-discovery in an effort to perhaps gain a greater understanding of myself and people like me. It's unfortunate but I don't believe that any of us who suffer from such disorders can ever get rid of them, rather, the best I think we can hope for is to be able to manage and live with them in a way that minimilises the impact that they have on our lives. Ultimately this means that we will probably never eat 'normally' but this is the only way that we can feel ok, that we feel like we are in control of ourselves, that we are acceptable to ourselves and society in general. This does not necessarily mean we will become so thin so that we are unable to function but it does mean that we will probably be thinner than the average person.

I'm out of my mind.....please feel free to leave a message.

Have you ever found being alone with your own thoughts the most impossibly unbearable place you could be? And there's no escape! That's how I'm feeling this weekend. Part of me has really wondered whether I can keep going. The depths of despair my head manages to bring me to just make seem like it's all now worthwhile anymore.....I'm losing myself right now. I need to find ana again, she's the only thing that helps me feel in control. I need to be perfect. I must be perfect.

I haven't really eaten anything today but for some reason it's not making me feel any better. I don't know what I'm supposed to do!


I have good reason for my current level of self-loathing and feelings of worthlessness. I will post again later and explain all but for the moment, I'm going to read some of your' blogs in an effort to find some semblence of sanity again. C x

Hitting Rock Bottom

Well after my most difficult year of all the Gods decided to smile on me and give me another fantastically wonderful turn of events! Sorry, I'm in a terribly sarcastic mood at the moment -the last few days just been a total nightmare but I guess I should just get on with it and appreciate what I do have.
There's no point in me even bothering to rant about all that went wrong, suffice to say that, as if my life isn't crappy enough, the fates have decided to just to compound it all by putting me into as tight a financial squeeze as possible! I don't know how I'm going to work it all out but I guess I'm just destined to be perpetually broke!
Anyway, as a result of everything that's been happening, my morale is pretty rock-bottom at the moment and now I'm terrified that I'll go and binge and make myself feel even worse again....I need to stop this!

Taking the Plunge

Right well here goes nothing. This is my inaugural post and, now that I've set up my blog, I'm not even too sure what I want to say anymore. I decided to do this out of a sense of sheer desperation and frustration this weekend. The past few years of my life have been extremely difficult and it all reached a crescendo in the past year.
The combination of my life experiences and background have led to an innate need to achieve perfection; which, given the natural imperfection of human nature, is quite obviously completely unattainable. Thus, I often find myself in a constant state of turmoil, beating myself about something I said, how I look, how I act, what I eat, what I do, what I don't do....you get the picture.

I guess it's all about control really. Because I haven't been able to control the circumstances of my life around me, I have turned to trying to control the things within me in an effort to make my life more tolerable. Often this seems to have the complete opposite effect though and then I just seem to end up feeling worse than before.

Anyway, I suppose it was inevtitable really but probably the main area of my life that I now try to control is my body. I've had an extremely unhealthy relationship with food for a long time now and I have to say that, at this stage, I'm completely exhausted by it. Now I'm beginning to wonder whether I should stop fighting it and accept it.....hence the reason for this blog.

Anyway, I could go on forever but I'll be back soon and explain all a bit further, C x